More of You
It's been about six weeks since I came back from Indonesia. I am so thankful for the journey God has taken me on since returning.
The first week I came back, I was pretty miserable. Each night I would sit, asking God to ease the pain, for I missed my 'family' in Indonesia so deeply. I asked why he'd given me such a big heart for a community so far away, that I only saw for one week a year. Often I'd end up, just sitting with my guitar in my hands, trying to express what I felt, but finding it impossible to put into into music or words...
As I tried to find God's purpose and will in all that had happened, I started reading books about spiritual disciplines. One talks all about accepting God's different invitations. For example, one talked about God's invitation to wait. This is something I'm not very good at, I find it stressful because it begs uncertainty and it's something I can't control. I began to pray about why it was so hard for me to wait for God on what to do now I was home from Manado. God slowly began to chip away at my need to control the future and began to show me how I could begin to surrender something so precious and close to my heart into His control. I also read chapters on God's invitation to weep- something I'd done a lot of while I was away and since coming back. I read about God's invitation to remember and how we remember events that have happened to us in really important in the part they play in our journey and testimony.
I have lost count of the number of pages I've filled, moments I've prayed desperately for God's strength and wisdom. But i know one thing. Despite the heartache, uncertainty and raw emotion I've experienced, I feel the closest to God I have in a long time.
I become more aware of my destructive self-defense mechanism to put myself down before others do- just so that if they do it doesn't hurt me so much. God didn't create any of us to think like that. Not only is it not protective when others do hurt me, it also creates a barrier to love and acceptance. I've started to try and remind myself of the positive things God has given me and that when I make a mistake, this doesn't mean I'm a worthless failure. On the days I feel uncertain, shaky or anxious, I now ask God to give me His peace and His strength because I can't face them without Him. Things have happened this week which normally would have really rattled me, but because I can trust more deeply that God is really with me, I've been able to go through them with Him, without feeling like a complete failure at the end.
It's been a journey and it's one that still has a long way to go. I still don't have the answers I thought I'd have by now. I'm still waiting. But what I DO have is a renewed trust in God that He IS with me, that He DOES love me and that He CAN be my source of PEACE and COMFORT. I'm beginning to think that all the heartache of saying goodbye and the messy result of trying to take things into my own hands was so I'd have no option but to fall on Him.
If you've read my blog before, you'll know I often finish with quotes or lyrics... So here are a few of things that have helped me these last few weeks.
"If we don't listen to the words of His heart we will have to feel the weight of His hands."
"One of the first steps in turning tragedy into triumph is to accept the situation courageously and put ourselves into the hands of our loving God, who makes no mistakes."
"Fear and faith cannot live in the same heart. For fear blinds the eyes to the presence of the Lord"
"Lament cuts through insincerity, strips pretense and reveals the raw nerve of trust that angrily approaches the throne of grace and then kneels in awed, robust wonder."
"God made His kingdom especially accessible through tears"
A heart that waits:
You've all been on my mind since i got off that plane,
My heart can hardly think but of a home that's far away,
As I wait- anticipation,
Pray you'll calm my desperation.
Help me see the joy that's here....
For my heart had waited so long,
For when I could return,
To my home so far away that stole my heart,
Now our time has been and gone,
It's like I miss you all the more,
I pray our hearts might meet again,
But I must wait upon His will,
Now my heart must wait again,
Will I ever return home.
The first week I came back, I was pretty miserable. Each night I would sit, asking God to ease the pain, for I missed my 'family' in Indonesia so deeply. I asked why he'd given me such a big heart for a community so far away, that I only saw for one week a year. Often I'd end up, just sitting with my guitar in my hands, trying to express what I felt, but finding it impossible to put into into music or words...
As I tried to find God's purpose and will in all that had happened, I started reading books about spiritual disciplines. One talks all about accepting God's different invitations. For example, one talked about God's invitation to wait. This is something I'm not very good at, I find it stressful because it begs uncertainty and it's something I can't control. I began to pray about why it was so hard for me to wait for God on what to do now I was home from Manado. God slowly began to chip away at my need to control the future and began to show me how I could begin to surrender something so precious and close to my heart into His control. I also read chapters on God's invitation to weep- something I'd done a lot of while I was away and since coming back. I read about God's invitation to remember and how we remember events that have happened to us in really important in the part they play in our journey and testimony.
I have lost count of the number of pages I've filled, moments I've prayed desperately for God's strength and wisdom. But i know one thing. Despite the heartache, uncertainty and raw emotion I've experienced, I feel the closest to God I have in a long time.
I become more aware of my destructive self-defense mechanism to put myself down before others do- just so that if they do it doesn't hurt me so much. God didn't create any of us to think like that. Not only is it not protective when others do hurt me, it also creates a barrier to love and acceptance. I've started to try and remind myself of the positive things God has given me and that when I make a mistake, this doesn't mean I'm a worthless failure. On the days I feel uncertain, shaky or anxious, I now ask God to give me His peace and His strength because I can't face them without Him. Things have happened this week which normally would have really rattled me, but because I can trust more deeply that God is really with me, I've been able to go through them with Him, without feeling like a complete failure at the end.
It's been a journey and it's one that still has a long way to go. I still don't have the answers I thought I'd have by now. I'm still waiting. But what I DO have is a renewed trust in God that He IS with me, that He DOES love me and that He CAN be my source of PEACE and COMFORT. I'm beginning to think that all the heartache of saying goodbye and the messy result of trying to take things into my own hands was so I'd have no option but to fall on Him.
If you've read my blog before, you'll know I often finish with quotes or lyrics... So here are a few of things that have helped me these last few weeks.
"If we don't listen to the words of His heart we will have to feel the weight of His hands."
"One of the first steps in turning tragedy into triumph is to accept the situation courageously and put ourselves into the hands of our loving God, who makes no mistakes."
"Fear and faith cannot live in the same heart. For fear blinds the eyes to the presence of the Lord"
"Lament cuts through insincerity, strips pretense and reveals the raw nerve of trust that angrily approaches the throne of grace and then kneels in awed, robust wonder."
"God made His kingdom especially accessible through tears"
A heart that waits:
You've all been on my mind since i got off that plane,
My heart can hardly think but of a home that's far away,
As I wait- anticipation,
Pray you'll calm my desperation.
Help me see the joy that's here....
For my heart had waited so long,
For when I could return,
To my home so far away that stole my heart,
Now our time has been and gone,
It's like I miss you all the more,
I pray our hearts might meet again,
But I must wait upon His will,
Now my heart must wait again,
Will I ever return home.
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